To be Broken....and then to be Molded,,,,,

 FOREWARNING...... This might be lengthy for some or too much info, but as I always do, I prayed and asked God to guide me on this next blog and this is what He wanted me to write...


 February 17, 2014, will always be a new date I remember. I'm always asking Chad, " Hey do you know what happened on this date?" Well this one we will never forget. I remember last November telling Chad as God healed me through the pneumonia , and at the same time I am bummed ....I know that sounds strange but as we are broken, that's when God uses us the most. Well I had no idea three months later I would be really broken again!

I was diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma  , it's a soft tissue cancer that forms at a joint, mine happened quick, within a few months it was as big as a softball on the side of my left knee. When I was in the hospital with pneumonia it shrunk, and that's only God, because He protected it. The drs didn't think it was cancer and said, " your fine, you have nothing to worry about" . So in February I met with a specialist in Hazard I thought would be drained, and he sent me to a tumor specialist in Lexington because it was so big. As I got the diagnosis  on that Monday that it is in fact cancer, he said " Please remember this, Its treatable and beatable". I  had  no idea that day what the next two months and 6 months after that would consist of.

They did a biopsy and removed 80% of the tumor because it was growing out of my skin, within 1 week it grew back, and they said change of plans, instead of chemo, radiation, then surgery, surgery first because it was growing back and he wanted to save my leg. Normally with this type of cancer because it is so rare and aggressive, they normally just amputate where ever it is. This dr, Dr Odonnel has been there for two years, and they said without him they would have amputated my leg from the knee down. God kept me safe and got me to the right drs.   So on March 7, they went in and removed the tumor and the muscle, then a week later what the plastic surgeon thought take a back muscle, and then do skin grafts that would be 8 hr surgery,with God, turned into turning one of the three calf muscle( thank goodness for having my daddy's big calf muscle)   and placing it beside the knee then taking skin from my thigh and bottom area and putting it on the calf muscle, only 2 hrs, THAT'S GOD!

As the next few weeks go along, it was the healing period, not just my leg, but spiritually as well. The day after I came home from the hospital from both surgeries , I wanted to go back. It was a hard time, not being able to bathe myself, or really do anything without help. Chad has helped me this whole way, a true blessing and a gift from God. I had home health nurse come every day and change my leg dressing, I wouldn't look, my skin graft couldn't be changed for two weeks, and it leaked and was really sore and hard to move. Physical therapy started to come and work on keeping that leg moving. As the next weeks go by I would go once a week to see the plastic surgeon and get it all checked and see how it was healing. She took off the foam from the graft and WOW, hurt very much, but she was impressed with how it was healing. She said both were healing quicker then she thought and again I said " That's God".  I went back April 7, one month after the first surgery, my cancer dr was so excited at the way it was healing. Two days prior to this I  looked at it the first time, and was really happy with the way it looked. He said " What do you think?" I told him I still have a leg, and I'm  walking and that's all that matters. He smiled huge!

Ok..... so let me get to the molding part. I talked about the broken and how He was using me, and teaching me, now I'm applying it.

Through all of this, Chad and my prayers were for everyone to see God in this and that we wanted His will. Well it took me four weeks to actually pray that I want His will and leave it at that. I'm human and didn't ask or want this. But the day I was diagnosed I had to make phone calls and text our friends and family and God gave us the strength. We prayed, then made the calls . I had to text a dear sweet sister of mine, she was at school teaching and that text I didn't want to send.  I told her I didn't know what to tell our girls. Her and another dear sister after school got some of my girls together and they told  them and prayed, they cried, and then said " Ryan would want ya'll to see God and know God has all of us" .
That night we got home at 10pm, and my girls came over and we cried and I explained all that was going to happen, and I said " Please know that what ever happens it's His will, and He wont let us down, and don't stop seeing Him work". Well......our whole youth group Aftershock,  changed that day for the better. Chad and I have seen our youth grow more in the last two months towards God and each other , and we have said and mean if it was all just for them to see Him more, we would do it all over again.  But there are more reasons, Chad and I are closer to God and we are seeing Him move in so many ways. The people in all the hospitals, my health nurses, and family , He is using us to show people what He will do when you are obedient and give your life to Him.

Fighting with Faith, it's my life phrase, Galatians 2:20 is my life verse. He is still molding me and showing me to be more Christ like. In every day we get up and I'm not saying it's easy but we ask God to give us the strength and with prayers, we get through each day. I want my life to show God in everything we do. I'm honest, this is very hard, and I start radiation May 5 for 6 weeks, then chemo for 4 months. It's the highest chemo and yes I will loose my hair. And here is the honest part, I'm not ready for that. People have said, " Oh its just hair it will grow back", but I'm 31, married for 6 years, and want a family. I didn't ask for this. But God knew when I was born this would happen, and He will get me through. I've also had to pray about freezing my eggs, but God really let us know that's not the way to go,too expensive and not what He wants. So from a friend reminded me about a lady I met last year at relay for life and I talked to her, Chad and I decided to not freeze eggs and I would take a shot that would freeze my ovaries, like preserve them, then after chemo they will unfreeze and we can start trying to have a child. God is so amazing

  Iv'e learned so much as who I am, who I want to be, and who i'll become. Iv'e been in the valley as quick as the mountain top. It's strange, our life seems to be on hold as everyone goes on with their day. I'm used to doing so much and being around friends and now it's just Be still., and rest. I want to be molded more, and be more like His image and if that means Be Still and listen, then that's what I must do. Iv'e turned this into how God wants me to look at it, my leg is saved, no more cancer and in the chemo treatments there is a reason I will be there and I asked God already to show me, and guide me where and what He wants me to do. As a missionary i'm  not just in Eastern Ky, its every where God takes us . I want to be used in every where and for everyone to say " That's God"!

Thank you everyone, from our home church and cooked meals , Church families, our families, friends , staff members, and everyone all over who knows us and helps serve with Meridzo Center. We are truly blessed God chose us to be His servants and to allow Him to work in our lives.

Please know that this is hard on us, every prayer we feel, every letter in the mail, and every text we get is getting us through, We love company , God always knows when I need an uplifting or encouragement He puts me on their mind and they contact me, again God is so wonderful.  I will be blogging more maybe weekly in my treatments and how God worked that day. Through all of this , we have learned no matter what He is never leaving us, and He wants us to share it all. We aren't suppose to keep it in because if we do, how will people have the hope. In everything we give Him the Glory!

"Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Hebrews 11:1 

Fighting with Faith.....

You know when you get ready to go through a tunnel,and the old saying is "hold your breath until you come out". Well you hold your breath and you cant wait to see the light knowing the end is almost there and you can let your breath out.....Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is always comforting


Sometimes in our life we don't always see the light at the end, we feel like we are stuck in the middle of that tunnel and can't get out .  But in the midst of being in the middle we have the hope that we will get out and be able to breath again. 

As everyone knows I was diagnosed February 17, 2014 with cancer. It was a huge shock to Chad and I, we just thought it was a cyst on my knee and since they couldn't drain it, they would remove it.  But God had other plans and it is a very rare sarcoma cancer. Last week seems like a huge blur, the doctor tried to do a biopsy in the room and it didn't work , so we had to go back the 20th and do an open biopsy. So we went back and a very dear friend and sister to me drove us so we could just relax , and they did the surgery, and he had to remove 80 % of the tumor because it started to grow out of my skin. They told me to come back Monday March 3 for the results. They said if its the sarcoma they think it is then it will be 3 months of chemo and 3 months resting then 6 months recovery, so they said give them a year and i'll be good as new.  

I'm still believing and praying the biopsy comes back and the doctors say "Wow we dont know how to explain this but its not cancer" and if God choose for it to still be cancer then there is a reason. Last Monday I asked the doctor what caused it, and he said bad luck. So I don't believe in bad luck .....I believe that God has allowed this to happen for a reason and everyone is going to see His hand and work in this, and He will get the glory. 

It has been a tough week and I have had some sad moments, but we can feel everyone's prayer and love, that's what is getting us through. We were able to go in for the weekend to see our parents and family, we both needed that as well as they did. God gave me the strength to have fun, laugh and even cry with our family. My knee is still sore, but as time goes it gets better. 

I cant ask God right now " Why  Me?" because Chad and I have already seen Him in our youth, family,friends and us. So I don't want to ask because we are all growing in Christ and becoming stronger . There are so many songs that are helping me and getting me through this. I am trusting and believing that what ever happens and what ever we go through God has us and He isn't letting us go. One song that says everything we are praying for is  'You Can Trust Our God', by love and the outcome. We can trust our God , He knows what He is doing, it might hurt now but we won't be ruined. I won't be ruined from this, Ill be stronger and ill be a different and better person from this . I'm already learning through this and knowing we have everyone's love, and prayers it just absolutely amazing . Words can never explain how much Chad and I are so grateful to have yall's love. Thank you for the women who have reached out to me that has gone through this or a family member that has gone through it. Your encouraging words are very uplifting and thank you for thinking of me.  

To end on a very happy note.....last night we picked up our kids for Aftershock and I walked into our room called The Well and all of our sweet kids made posters and hung up, and cut out different shapes with different encouraging sayings on them and hung them from the ceiling. They also printed out my motto: Fighting with Faith and put it on a huge cross that we have in our room, then the cherry on top of the ice cream one of our sweet youths, she did an interpretive dance to Casting Crown Who am I... Wow I am so loved, and very honored that God chose us to be their youth leaders and for me to be their big sister! 

Again everything that keeps coming up in devotions .. Songs...sermons and out of peoples mouth is Be Still and Know.... So that's what I am hanging on to and knowing in the end He wins and Ill be back to normal. Just what ever your going through I know it might hurt or seem so hard, or you think your in the middle of that tunnel but don't give up , He is pushing you through and know you will come out even stronger , and as Mandisa says "You will be an over comer"

Thank you again for praying, emails, love, text, phone calls and just thinking about us. Because when we are sad that's what uplifts us 

" Be strong and courageous . Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you" Deuteronomy 31:6

  

Sometimes when things break.....

 When things break, we normally get upset because we either didn't mean to do it or it is sentimental and it hurts us. I accidentally break things all the time.

 One of my memories I think of often is when I was 6, yes I remember things that long ago, my daddy got me one of those punch balls. I was so excited , he blew it up for me and told me " Be careful and don't hit it on ceiling it will pop". I told him I would be very careful, So I went into my room and started punching it, well maybe 2 minutes in,  it hit the ceiling and guess what it does.....It POPS!!! I was so upset for two reasons, number 1 I had so much fun with it I

was upset it was gone, and number 2, I didn't want to upset my daddy. When people give me things I try to take care of it because it was nice he got that for me. Now I had to tell him, and I do remember him looking and me and said " I told you to be careful," but he wasn't upset for long.

Well as I have gotten older and I've grown deeper into God's love, I've learned breaking isn't really a bad thing, actually in God its the best thing.  When we are broken that's when God can use us the most. Sometimes it's not fun being broken, but in the end we always learn something amazing from it. 

I've recently been broken, AGAIN, and like always it's been an interesting learning experience. It makes me dig deep into the word more, not because I'm questioning but because I know He wants me to learn, so I ask him. The other morning I read my 3 devotions and everyone  was on humility and poor in spirit, and I asked Him what He wanted me to learn and do with this, and like He has shown me in the last 5 weeks, " Be Still and Know" I'm grateful for the waiting and having to be still, no its not easy, it comes with prayer, but always in my time of brokenness, I hear Him clearer, and see the little things He wants me to see. It makes me aware of the things I still need to change, and it makes me happy He loves me this much to break me and for me to be used by Him.

Something I realized this week, is that the last two times I've been broken and feel like I'm in the valley and stuck, I came out on top quicker then normal, Like this week, dealing with something that is my heart desires and its just not Gods timing, but it still hurts, the next day after prayer, sharing whats going on with a sweet dear friend, and my husband , and seeking Him I felt like I was on the mountain top. In the past it took longer to get on top again, but this time it didn't because I am recognizing what God wants me to do, and I'm seeking Him and asking what He wants me to learn from this. AND the biggest one of all, I just prayed for me not to get bitter, and for people to see Jesus through me. I had to be humble and to admit how I felt and that my heart hurts but I want Jesus's way, even if I have to Be Still a lot longer then I want to. 

So don't be discouraged next time you are broken, sit down, open your bible and ask Him to teach you what He wants you to learn. And don't be stubborn, admit what you need to change and bask in His love. 


"Humble yourself before the Lord , and He will lift you up"
 James 4:10

A Time to Give......

 Christmas is my favorite time of the year, not just because we celebrate Jesus birth, but its time with family and giving! Sometimes we get caught up on traditions and  customs and not realize whats going on in the outside world.

  As I said in my previous blog, God showed me things while I was in the hospital. One of the things is about being blessed that I got out of the hospital in 9 days, but there are children that basically live in the hospital.The children don't get to go over families house's for Thanksgiving or don't get to go out and see the Christmas lights and all the decorations during Christmas . So as I was praying and crying, I asked God what He wanted me to do. Well..... when I went home from the hospital and I rested so I could enjoy Christmas, I got things to make the kids Christmas cards. I wanted to take them to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital and deliver them.

  When I was a baby I stayed in Vanderbilt for 3 months and I was taken care of by many sweet nurses and doctors. I've always wanted to give back but just really never had the time. Ok... that's my point, we think we are too busy  for other people. I know that's one of the reasons I had to Be Still and sit in the hospital bed. We do things for people all the time, but I get so focused on my traditions that I don't think of other things. God will do what ever He has to do to get our attention.  So I made Christmas cards for the children, and one of my very best friends , she is my sister in Christ , offered to go with me to deliver them. I got excited and couldn't wait to go in to TN and deliver them. We set the date, for a girl day and take the cards to the children Monday 23rd . I wasn't thinking about the hospital procedures and everything you have to go through  to see the children, which is a great thing but I just couldn't hand deliver them. I got to talk to the volunteer  resource lady, and she asked me the story behind the cards, and me. So I told her and she cried and hugged me, she then gave me and Jess a list of the most needed things and I can ship things to them and they will take it to the children and their family. God is so amazing!!! We left that day feeling so fulfilled and over joyed!!!

  

   I'm not writing this to boast , I'm writing this to share what God is doing in my life and what He is telling me to do, This is all Him , and I'm truly blessed that He is using me and teaching me things through this. As you go through your daily routine , stop and ask God what He wants your to do for other people, or if there is something you are going through ask Him what He wants you to learn from it and what you can do for Him. Its amazing when we just sit and be quiet and listen to our sweet father. 

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness." Galatians 5:22

SO THANKFUL!!

  Having pneumonia , in the hospital for 9 days, couldnt go home to TN for Thanksgiving......So very thankful!


    Yes I know that sounds strange, being thankful to be in the hospital during Thanksgiving and not seeing our family. I really missed not being with them and doing all the traditions that we do every year together, but God shown me so much being in the hospital. Some times we get caught up in all the traditions and that we forget to actually stop and think about it all.

  I was actually shocked to find out when I went to the drs Friday Nov 22 and they did breathing treatments , IV antibiotics and chest X Ray . They saw pneumonia in both lungs and admitted me that day to the hospital. I know the dr thought I was insane when I looked at her and said " But I cant go to the hospital, we are taking our youth tomorrow to see Catching Fire, I can't go." She brought another dr in and he said " This is really severe , you have to go in for at least 3 days, maybe more" then I realized how serious it was. I had been sick for a while and gotten better, I just though it was sinuses, and it would go away. We went home and packed and went to the hospital, I already had a sweet friend there waiting to see me. They hooked me up to IVs, breathing treatments and a bunch of nurses that were super sweet. Through the next few days I got showered with love from Church family, friends and family. From visitors,  food, balloons, letters, posters, snap chat from my girls, text, facebook messages and phone calls we were truly blessed. We missed being with our family, but God showed us we have a lot of family here and all over the united states. We were prayed for all over in churches, homes and people who we didn't know. I said three years ago when I got sick with a pseudo tumor in my brain, Prayer is a small word but it does HUGE things! God and Prayer got us through it all!

I had my dr, a lung specialist, and infection and disease dr for that whole 9 days. I hadn't been feeling well for a few months, and they found a staph bacteria on my lungs plus double pneumonia on both lungs. The lung specialist actually looked at me and said the chest x ray looked like someone took a baseball bat and beat my lungs with it. All the nurses, x ray techs and drs said this is the worse case of pneumonia in someone my age. So God has had His hand on me for a while, because looking back I don't know how I did any of it . I was really sick the week I went to the hospital. I couldn't walk, I was coughing and at one point I was so scared I couldn't breath. I have asthma, so it made everything worse. So knowing all this, laying in the hospital bed with oxygen on because my levels were so low, made me realize how serious it is and I am blessed God took care of me.  


 Our pastor came by a few times and visited and prayed with us, Knowing we have a home church here with family that loves us means so much. My girls came and visited me, and knowing are youth Aftershock and their families were praying made us feel even more blessed. We were able to skype with our  family on Thanksgiving, and of course I cried. We had family bring us Thanksgiving dinner, and I think I ate it in 8 minutes! Hospital food is good, BUT since I have to have gluten free food, I was safe with grilled chicken, green beans, and mash potatoes. So after 6 days I was ready for something else. Chad and I had a great Thanksgiving together , and I really enjoyed that. He slept in a recliner chair all 8 days! Boy does he love me!

  Two days before Thanksgiving, I was praying and just seeking God and what He wanted me to learn through all this. I started crying and Chad looked at me thinking something was wrong. I begin to tell Him something that God shown me and its forever made me thankful for being in there. I get to go home, not sure when but I do , but there are children and other people out there in the world that don't, they stay there for a very long period or for their whole lives. Specially children in the cancer center. So knowing I get to go home, even though I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital, I'm truly blessed.

 Almost every card, or someone telling me, Be Still, and Know That I am God was like the theme for my stay in the hospital . So I guess I have been so busy lately that God wanted me still and quiet , and yes I couldn't talk much. So God will do ANYTHING to get us to be still and listen more to Him.

I went to see the infection and disease dr yesterday for a follow up, and he said my chest x ray looked better, I have scars on both lungs but he said he thought I would because the pneumonia was so bad. My coughing has gotten worse and I was concern, but he told me I would have it up to 6 more weeks. BUMMER!! And these lovely antibiotics have given me a rash ALL over my body so he gave me a shot and cream for that. I am just focusing on i'm improving, and God is healing me. Both drs said it is going to be a slow process . It could take two more months to get back to normal activities, but I know God has me and I will be healed. I also get to go home to TN for Christmas, the dr told me as long as I keep improving and no set backs I can go, so I'm a happy little pumpkin!!

Thank you all for prayers, love, support and just being our family!!! We couldn't do it without any of yall!! God is amazing and just remember it doesn't matter what has happened or what you are going through God has you and will get you through it. It is all a learning experience!

"So do not fear I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthening you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 

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Generation to Generation.....

 

    From generation to generation we pass things down. Sometimes we don't realize how important it is what and when we pass them down..........


   We recently went on a staff retreat, and at night we had devotions, and one of them was on Joshua 22:27. We must share with our generations to come what God is doing in our lives and how we handle the situations so they will have hope, and know what to do. We need to be that leader God calls us to be, and to encourage , give hope and to let each other know God has us. If we don't share then Hope will not be passed down.

  I have gone through a lot of health issues and God has always gotten me through it and shown me His will. I must tell the world of His great love and how He never left me. One of my hearts desires is to have a baby. I want to be a mommy so bad, but until I can get healthy I must wait. I have another issue that has come up and I finally went to the dr, and I just thought it was fluid around the knee and they would drain it. Well it cant be that simple with me....its a complex cyst and they have to do surgery to remove it. But before they remove it the dr wants to make sure where its coming from so I have to have an MRI, one week away. So I'm having to wait and see what will happen. And I must share with my girls everything God is teaching me and showing me. He gave me my girls for so many reasons, and the most important one is to tell them how amazing God is and how He will always get us through EVERYTHING!! I know that's why God allows me to go through the health issues, I must tell how He takes care of me. My girls are my world, and I'm giving them hope for them to see that God will never leave us or forsake us.

I'm very blessed God chose me to be a big sister to all the girls I have. God is showing me more things to teach them and the greatest thing is just be me and be that witness to them. I am honest with them and share all my crazy past and for them to see He loves us all even when we stray. One of groups I enjoy listening to is Hillsong United , they have a song called Tell the World, and we must tell all generations about the love of our savior!  If we don't, who will!  Its time for us to stand up and be that generation! Maybe its sharing with some teenage girls or maybe its sharing with your coworkers.....share Jesus!

 

Feed.....Nourishment......Provision

Food & Friends........They go together so well

       When it comes to food, specially gluten free food, its a lot harder to eat out in Harlan Ky. Normally its the Mexican restaurant for us, I get chicken fajitas with corn tortillas . So when we go speak to churches, go to Tn to visit family or go to the dr in Johnson City I look forward to eating good food. My favorite place is Chick Fil A, they have grilled chicken and I can eat their fries because they cook them in a separate fryer, and then I get half sweet tea half lemonade to drink, YUMMO,  I Love it,I wished Harlan County would get a Chick Fil A. When I lived in White House I took all this for granted. That was before I found out  I was allergic to gluten, but I always thought the places I liked to eat was at my finger tips. 

      When we were in FL we ate at a place that had gluten free pizza and had gelato. When we ate at Red Brick Pizza place it was such a special treat. The only way I get pizza at home is to make it and its very good but there is nothing like going to a place, ordering pizza, and sitting down and eating it with a coke! So we ate the gluten free pizza and took in every moment. Being gluten free made me realize how much I just assumed I would always have. When we go to Johnson city , Chad knows whats for lunch, there aren't too many fast food places I can eat where I get a good protein. Chick Fil A it is, then we get Zaxbys  hot wings to go for dinner when we get home. Going to Johnson City is about an 1 hr and 45 minutes from us, that's the closest mall and major places to eat. So now I realize when I get to go to cherish every moment.

    Thinking about food reminds me of friends and family. We always eat when we get together and we will make any excuse to eat. Well we treat our friends and family just like we treat food, we take them for granted. Being missionaries , and living 5 hrs away from family, it makes me think how much we do take them for granted. We must feed our friends with the love and nutrients that is giving to us from God. He always provides and when He gives us the wisdom we must help each other. Feeding our belly's and feeding our friendship is so much a like, we must be aware of the friends and families that need to be fed with His love. We must let His love pour out of us, and then we need to soak it in and spread that love. Just like when we make dinner for our families or other people, we share, so we must share His love!

    Next time you eat your favorite meal with your best friend, or family,take it all in. Enjoy the moment and don't think of it as just an ordinary day!