Seasons....

You know how you have that favorite time of the season in year?  Well mine is the fall, Ive always loved the fall, I have sweet memories of my daddy and I playing in the leaves after he would rack them up. I love the smell of fall and the colors. I look forward to it every year! Well God does not have a favorite season..........

As I was getting my chemo last night, I had to listen to music to keep me staying positive.  The red color in the IV is the bad chemo, Doxorubicin, its nick name is " Red Devil".  So last night I started listening to music and one of my favorites that really helps me and speaks to me is Desert Song, Hill Song United.  I love every verse and chorus , but the one that sticks out and means the most is verse 3

" And this is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on its way, I am a co-heir with Christ so firm on His promise I'll stand, And I will bring praise, I will bring praise , No weapon formed against me shall remain, I will rejoice, I will declare , God is my victory and He is here."  I know the victory has won and I am His daughter, and nothing can hurt me. Yes its scary getting the chemo and just praying that it will go like the first round. What ever God's will is thats what we want. 

It is amazing to know, no matter what we do He still loves us, and He wants to use us all the time, but we must be obedient, and listen to Him. Chad and I always pray that everyone sees Him through us and that they hear Him and not us. Because without Him we couldn't do any of this.  Yes my hair is almost all falling out. I am not ready to shave it yet, I guess because I was a hairstylist and I just don't want to let go, LOL!  We joke around with it now and I've learned so much  through all of this, but specially loosing my hair, it is hard being a women and having to shave it, I know God will let me know when it is time. And my sweet loving husband looks at me and says  " Your still beautiful to me, and you will always be".  Yes I have the best husband,   He as stuck by me and does everything for me!!!

One of the other things that sticks out to me through all of this is how we have been able to share what God has done. Just today one of my nurses told me she is a Christ follower as well, and we talked for a while, she just got married and gotten back from her honeymoon this past Sunday night. It was a God moment and He has the divine appointments for us, and we just have to slow down and take them in. We are always on a rush and too busy to witness or just listen to people. I have learned through this to take time and listen to them no matter how long or if it makes me late, I'm going to listen and if they need prayed for, pray for them right there and then. God is so good and we need to Be Still and be used. 

My last favorite part in the song is the end of  Desert Song....

" All of my life in every season , You are still God I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship"

And this is my prayer when I am healed.....

" This is my prayer in the harvest, When favor and providence flow, I know I'm filled to be emptied again he seed I've received I will sow"

Im so blessed He loves me through all the seasons and not just one. He wraps His arms around me when I am hurting and scared.  I just pray and I feel His warm arms around me and I am calm and I feel at peace. My last chemo treatment I hope is sept 2, and it will be the same routine as now. It is wild how fast it has gone, and Chad said God is allowing it to go by fast so we can move on and go forth. We appreciate all the prayers and love and just the support. We couldn't do it without God and yall's sweet prayers . We are greatful for everything, and please know we feel everyones prayers,

" Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken." Psalms 62:5-6

Shower....Heartbroken...and Strings of Hair

You know some of those times when you just need to take a shower because it's been a bad day or you just want to dance and sing and no one hears you.....Well tonight was one of those nights but I didn't In tend for it to be.....

Tonight was a night I wanted to take a shower and shampoo my hair and just get ready for Sunday school tomorrow ...... But it didn't go that smooth. I started to shampoo my hair and I noticed some hair coming out, and I thought " no biggie , you loose so much a day it's fine ". But then I went to massage my scalp and all of a sudden strings of hair was coming out. Yes of course I started crying this uncontrollable cry and Chad came running in and all I could do was stare at the pieces of hair in my hands and cry. Chad grabbed my hand and held it and just told me it's going to be ok , and he got me calmed down. 

I'm sharing this with you because tonight July 26th 2014 my hair started to fall out. I thought I was safe on the first round of chemo, had it two weeks ago, not as sick but very weak and tired. And I know some of you will say " it's just hair, it will grow back " but I'm 32, I'm a wife, a daughter , a sister, and a friend to so many and I think we just hear cancer and we think oh they are ok. I'm going to live and yes I'm ok, but my heart break still matters . I don't believe in the  saying " it always could be worse" anymore. Because we shouldn't grade someone's heartache, Jesus doesn't. To Him it's all the same. My heartache in the shower tonight is the same for someone who had already lost their hair, or lost a family member. I feel like we have lost the compassion for everyone. We grade heartache just like we grade sin, and to Him it's all the same and he doesn't want us to hurt. Yes I know this is a season and oh my goodness, God has taught us so much through this. I would keep going through it just to see the people and us get closer to God. Now I'm not saying it's easy. We are human and I have a hearts desire, and I know that will come true one day. But I must take it one day at a time and know my God is getting Chad and I through it and even if I have a bad day it's ok, it doesn't mean my faith had lessened , I just need a good cry 

Thank you all for loving us and being here for us. We could t do it without prayer, God and family. 

With His strength I'll go forth, and be the bright shining light that He wants me to be!

To be Broken....and then to be Molded,,,,,

 FOREWARNING...... This might be lengthy for some or too much info, but as I always do, I prayed and asked God to guide me on this next blog and this is what He wanted me to write...


 February 17, 2014, will always be a new date I remember. I'm always asking Chad, " Hey do you know what happened on this date?" Well this one we will never forget. I remember last November telling Chad as God healed me through the pneumonia , and at the same time I am bummed ....I know that sounds strange but as we are broken, that's when God uses us the most. Well I had no idea three months later I would be really broken again!

I was diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma  , it's a soft tissue cancer that forms at a joint, mine happened quick, within a few months it was as big as a softball on the side of my left knee. When I was in the hospital with pneumonia it shrunk, and that's only God, because He protected it. The drs didn't think it was cancer and said, " your fine, you have nothing to worry about" . So in February I met with a specialist in Hazard I thought would be drained, and he sent me to a tumor specialist in Lexington because it was so big. As I got the diagnosis  on that Monday that it is in fact cancer, he said " Please remember this, Its treatable and beatable". I  had  no idea that day what the next two months and 6 months after that would consist of.

They did a biopsy and removed 80% of the tumor because it was growing out of my skin, within 1 week it grew back, and they said change of plans, instead of chemo, radiation, then surgery, surgery first because it was growing back and he wanted to save my leg. Normally with this type of cancer because it is so rare and aggressive, they normally just amputate where ever it is. This dr, Dr Odonnel has been there for two years, and they said without him they would have amputated my leg from the knee down. God kept me safe and got me to the right drs.   So on March 7, they went in and removed the tumor and the muscle, then a week later what the plastic surgeon thought take a back muscle, and then do skin grafts that would be 8 hr surgery,with God, turned into turning one of the three calf muscle( thank goodness for having my daddy's big calf muscle)   and placing it beside the knee then taking skin from my thigh and bottom area and putting it on the calf muscle, only 2 hrs, THAT'S GOD!

As the next few weeks go along, it was the healing period, not just my leg, but spiritually as well. The day after I came home from the hospital from both surgeries , I wanted to go back. It was a hard time, not being able to bathe myself, or really do anything without help. Chad has helped me this whole way, a true blessing and a gift from God. I had home health nurse come every day and change my leg dressing, I wouldn't look, my skin graft couldn't be changed for two weeks, and it leaked and was really sore and hard to move. Physical therapy started to come and work on keeping that leg moving. As the next weeks go by I would go once a week to see the plastic surgeon and get it all checked and see how it was healing. She took off the foam from the graft and WOW, hurt very much, but she was impressed with how it was healing. She said both were healing quicker then she thought and again I said " That's God".  I went back April 7, one month after the first surgery, my cancer dr was so excited at the way it was healing. Two days prior to this I  looked at it the first time, and was really happy with the way it looked. He said " What do you think?" I told him I still have a leg, and I'm  walking and that's all that matters. He smiled huge!

Ok..... so let me get to the molding part. I talked about the broken and how He was using me, and teaching me, now I'm applying it.

Through all of this, Chad and my prayers were for everyone to see God in this and that we wanted His will. Well it took me four weeks to actually pray that I want His will and leave it at that. I'm human and didn't ask or want this. But the day I was diagnosed I had to make phone calls and text our friends and family and God gave us the strength. We prayed, then made the calls . I had to text a dear sweet sister of mine, she was at school teaching and that text I didn't want to send.  I told her I didn't know what to tell our girls. Her and another dear sister after school got some of my girls together and they told  them and prayed, they cried, and then said " Ryan would want ya'll to see God and know God has all of us" .
That night we got home at 10pm, and my girls came over and we cried and I explained all that was going to happen, and I said " Please know that what ever happens it's His will, and He wont let us down, and don't stop seeing Him work". Well......our whole youth group Aftershock,  changed that day for the better. Chad and I have seen our youth grow more in the last two months towards God and each other , and we have said and mean if it was all just for them to see Him more, we would do it all over again.  But there are more reasons, Chad and I are closer to God and we are seeing Him move in so many ways. The people in all the hospitals, my health nurses, and family , He is using us to show people what He will do when you are obedient and give your life to Him.

Fighting with Faith, it's my life phrase, Galatians 2:20 is my life verse. He is still molding me and showing me to be more Christ like. In every day we get up and I'm not saying it's easy but we ask God to give us the strength and with prayers, we get through each day. I want my life to show God in everything we do. I'm honest, this is very hard, and I start radiation May 5 for 6 weeks, then chemo for 4 months. It's the highest chemo and yes I will loose my hair. And here is the honest part, I'm not ready for that. People have said, " Oh its just hair it will grow back", but I'm 31, married for 6 years, and want a family. I didn't ask for this. But God knew when I was born this would happen, and He will get me through. I've also had to pray about freezing my eggs, but God really let us know that's not the way to go,too expensive and not what He wants. So from a friend reminded me about a lady I met last year at relay for life and I talked to her, Chad and I decided to not freeze eggs and I would take a shot that would freeze my ovaries, like preserve them, then after chemo they will unfreeze and we can start trying to have a child. God is so amazing

  Iv'e learned so much as who I am, who I want to be, and who i'll become. Iv'e been in the valley as quick as the mountain top. It's strange, our life seems to be on hold as everyone goes on with their day. I'm used to doing so much and being around friends and now it's just Be still., and rest. I want to be molded more, and be more like His image and if that means Be Still and listen, then that's what I must do. Iv'e turned this into how God wants me to look at it, my leg is saved, no more cancer and in the chemo treatments there is a reason I will be there and I asked God already to show me, and guide me where and what He wants me to do. As a missionary i'm  not just in Eastern Ky, its every where God takes us . I want to be used in every where and for everyone to say " That's God"!

Thank you everyone, from our home church and cooked meals , Church families, our families, friends , staff members, and everyone all over who knows us and helps serve with Meridzo Center. We are truly blessed God chose us to be His servants and to allow Him to work in our lives.

Please know that this is hard on us, every prayer we feel, every letter in the mail, and every text we get is getting us through, We love company , God always knows when I need an uplifting or encouragement He puts me on their mind and they contact me, again God is so wonderful.  I will be blogging more maybe weekly in my treatments and how God worked that day. Through all of this , we have learned no matter what He is never leaving us, and He wants us to share it all. We aren't suppose to keep it in because if we do, how will people have the hope. In everything we give Him the Glory!

"Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Hebrews 11:1 

Fighting with Faith.....

You know when you get ready to go through a tunnel,and the old saying is "hold your breath until you come out". Well you hold your breath and you cant wait to see the light knowing the end is almost there and you can let your breath out.....Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is always comforting


Sometimes in our life we don't always see the light at the end, we feel like we are stuck in the middle of that tunnel and can't get out .  But in the midst of being in the middle we have the hope that we will get out and be able to breath again. 

As everyone knows I was diagnosed February 17, 2014 with cancer. It was a huge shock to Chad and I, we just thought it was a cyst on my knee and since they couldn't drain it, they would remove it.  But God had other plans and it is a very rare sarcoma cancer. Last week seems like a huge blur, the doctor tried to do a biopsy in the room and it didn't work , so we had to go back the 20th and do an open biopsy. So we went back and a very dear friend and sister to me drove us so we could just relax , and they did the surgery, and he had to remove 80 % of the tumor because it started to grow out of my skin. They told me to come back Monday March 3 for the results. They said if its the sarcoma they think it is then it will be 3 months of chemo and 3 months resting then 6 months recovery, so they said give them a year and i'll be good as new.  

I'm still believing and praying the biopsy comes back and the doctors say "Wow we dont know how to explain this but its not cancer" and if God choose for it to still be cancer then there is a reason. Last Monday I asked the doctor what caused it, and he said bad luck. So I don't believe in bad luck .....I believe that God has allowed this to happen for a reason and everyone is going to see His hand and work in this, and He will get the glory. 

It has been a tough week and I have had some sad moments, but we can feel everyone's prayer and love, that's what is getting us through. We were able to go in for the weekend to see our parents and family, we both needed that as well as they did. God gave me the strength to have fun, laugh and even cry with our family. My knee is still sore, but as time goes it gets better. 

I cant ask God right now " Why  Me?" because Chad and I have already seen Him in our youth, family,friends and us. So I don't want to ask because we are all growing in Christ and becoming stronger . There are so many songs that are helping me and getting me through this. I am trusting and believing that what ever happens and what ever we go through God has us and He isn't letting us go. One song that says everything we are praying for is  'You Can Trust Our God', by love and the outcome. We can trust our God , He knows what He is doing, it might hurt now but we won't be ruined. I won't be ruined from this, Ill be stronger and ill be a different and better person from this . I'm already learning through this and knowing we have everyone's love, and prayers it just absolutely amazing . Words can never explain how much Chad and I are so grateful to have yall's love. Thank you for the women who have reached out to me that has gone through this or a family member that has gone through it. Your encouraging words are very uplifting and thank you for thinking of me.  

To end on a very happy note.....last night we picked up our kids for Aftershock and I walked into our room called The Well and all of our sweet kids made posters and hung up, and cut out different shapes with different encouraging sayings on them and hung them from the ceiling. They also printed out my motto: Fighting with Faith and put it on a huge cross that we have in our room, then the cherry on top of the ice cream one of our sweet youths, she did an interpretive dance to Casting Crown Who am I... Wow I am so loved, and very honored that God chose us to be their youth leaders and for me to be their big sister! 

Again everything that keeps coming up in devotions .. Songs...sermons and out of peoples mouth is Be Still and Know.... So that's what I am hanging on to and knowing in the end He wins and Ill be back to normal. Just what ever your going through I know it might hurt or seem so hard, or you think your in the middle of that tunnel but don't give up , He is pushing you through and know you will come out even stronger , and as Mandisa says "You will be an over comer"

Thank you again for praying, emails, love, text, phone calls and just thinking about us. Because when we are sad that's what uplifts us 

" Be strong and courageous . Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you" Deuteronomy 31:6

  

Sometimes when things break.....

 When things break, we normally get upset because we either didn't mean to do it or it is sentimental and it hurts us. I accidentally break things all the time.

 One of my memories I think of often is when I was 6, yes I remember things that long ago, my daddy got me one of those punch balls. I was so excited , he blew it up for me and told me " Be careful and don't hit it on ceiling it will pop". I told him I would be very careful, So I went into my room and started punching it, well maybe 2 minutes in,  it hit the ceiling and guess what it does.....It POPS!!! I was so upset for two reasons, number 1 I had so much fun with it I

was upset it was gone, and number 2, I didn't want to upset my daddy. When people give me things I try to take care of it because it was nice he got that for me. Now I had to tell him, and I do remember him looking and me and said " I told you to be careful," but he wasn't upset for long.

Well as I have gotten older and I've grown deeper into God's love, I've learned breaking isn't really a bad thing, actually in God its the best thing.  When we are broken that's when God can use us the most. Sometimes it's not fun being broken, but in the end we always learn something amazing from it. 

I've recently been broken, AGAIN, and like always it's been an interesting learning experience. It makes me dig deep into the word more, not because I'm questioning but because I know He wants me to learn, so I ask him. The other morning I read my 3 devotions and everyone  was on humility and poor in spirit, and I asked Him what He wanted me to learn and do with this, and like He has shown me in the last 5 weeks, " Be Still and Know" I'm grateful for the waiting and having to be still, no its not easy, it comes with prayer, but always in my time of brokenness, I hear Him clearer, and see the little things He wants me to see. It makes me aware of the things I still need to change, and it makes me happy He loves me this much to break me and for me to be used by Him.

Something I realized this week, is that the last two times I've been broken and feel like I'm in the valley and stuck, I came out on top quicker then normal, Like this week, dealing with something that is my heart desires and its just not Gods timing, but it still hurts, the next day after prayer, sharing whats going on with a sweet dear friend, and my husband , and seeking Him I felt like I was on the mountain top. In the past it took longer to get on top again, but this time it didn't because I am recognizing what God wants me to do, and I'm seeking Him and asking what He wants me to learn from this. AND the biggest one of all, I just prayed for me not to get bitter, and for people to see Jesus through me. I had to be humble and to admit how I felt and that my heart hurts but I want Jesus's way, even if I have to Be Still a lot longer then I want to. 

So don't be discouraged next time you are broken, sit down, open your bible and ask Him to teach you what He wants you to learn. And don't be stubborn, admit what you need to change and bask in His love. 


"Humble yourself before the Lord , and He will lift you up"
 James 4:10