To be Broken....and then to be Molded,,,,,

 FOREWARNING...... This might be lengthy for some or too much info, but as I always do, I prayed and asked God to guide me on this next blog and this is what He wanted me to write...


 February 17, 2014, will always be a new date I remember. I'm always asking Chad, " Hey do you know what happened on this date?" Well this one we will never forget. I remember last November telling Chad as God healed me through the pneumonia , and at the same time I am bummed ....I know that sounds strange but as we are broken, that's when God uses us the most. Well I had no idea three months later I would be really broken again!

I was diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma  , it's a soft tissue cancer that forms at a joint, mine happened quick, within a few months it was as big as a softball on the side of my left knee. When I was in the hospital with pneumonia it shrunk, and that's only God, because He protected it. The drs didn't think it was cancer and said, " your fine, you have nothing to worry about" . So in February I met with a specialist in Hazard I thought would be drained, and he sent me to a tumor specialist in Lexington because it was so big. As I got the diagnosis  on that Monday that it is in fact cancer, he said " Please remember this, Its treatable and beatable". I  had  no idea that day what the next two months and 6 months after that would consist of.

They did a biopsy and removed 80% of the tumor because it was growing out of my skin, within 1 week it grew back, and they said change of plans, instead of chemo, radiation, then surgery, surgery first because it was growing back and he wanted to save my leg. Normally with this type of cancer because it is so rare and aggressive, they normally just amputate where ever it is. This dr, Dr Odonnel has been there for two years, and they said without him they would have amputated my leg from the knee down. God kept me safe and got me to the right drs.   So on March 7, they went in and removed the tumor and the muscle, then a week later what the plastic surgeon thought take a back muscle, and then do skin grafts that would be 8 hr surgery,with God, turned into turning one of the three calf muscle( thank goodness for having my daddy's big calf muscle)   and placing it beside the knee then taking skin from my thigh and bottom area and putting it on the calf muscle, only 2 hrs, THAT'S GOD!

As the next few weeks go along, it was the healing period, not just my leg, but spiritually as well. The day after I came home from the hospital from both surgeries , I wanted to go back. It was a hard time, not being able to bathe myself, or really do anything without help. Chad has helped me this whole way, a true blessing and a gift from God. I had home health nurse come every day and change my leg dressing, I wouldn't look, my skin graft couldn't be changed for two weeks, and it leaked and was really sore and hard to move. Physical therapy started to come and work on keeping that leg moving. As the next weeks go by I would go once a week to see the plastic surgeon and get it all checked and see how it was healing. She took off the foam from the graft and WOW, hurt very much, but she was impressed with how it was healing. She said both were healing quicker then she thought and again I said " That's God".  I went back April 7, one month after the first surgery, my cancer dr was so excited at the way it was healing. Two days prior to this I  looked at it the first time, and was really happy with the way it looked. He said " What do you think?" I told him I still have a leg, and I'm  walking and that's all that matters. He smiled huge!

Ok..... so let me get to the molding part. I talked about the broken and how He was using me, and teaching me, now I'm applying it.

Through all of this, Chad and my prayers were for everyone to see God in this and that we wanted His will. Well it took me four weeks to actually pray that I want His will and leave it at that. I'm human and didn't ask or want this. But the day I was diagnosed I had to make phone calls and text our friends and family and God gave us the strength. We prayed, then made the calls . I had to text a dear sweet sister of mine, she was at school teaching and that text I didn't want to send.  I told her I didn't know what to tell our girls. Her and another dear sister after school got some of my girls together and they told  them and prayed, they cried, and then said " Ryan would want ya'll to see God and know God has all of us" .
That night we got home at 10pm, and my girls came over and we cried and I explained all that was going to happen, and I said " Please know that what ever happens it's His will, and He wont let us down, and don't stop seeing Him work". Well......our whole youth group Aftershock,  changed that day for the better. Chad and I have seen our youth grow more in the last two months towards God and each other , and we have said and mean if it was all just for them to see Him more, we would do it all over again.  But there are more reasons, Chad and I are closer to God and we are seeing Him move in so many ways. The people in all the hospitals, my health nurses, and family , He is using us to show people what He will do when you are obedient and give your life to Him.

Fighting with Faith, it's my life phrase, Galatians 2:20 is my life verse. He is still molding me and showing me to be more Christ like. In every day we get up and I'm not saying it's easy but we ask God to give us the strength and with prayers, we get through each day. I want my life to show God in everything we do. I'm honest, this is very hard, and I start radiation May 5 for 6 weeks, then chemo for 4 months. It's the highest chemo and yes I will loose my hair. And here is the honest part, I'm not ready for that. People have said, " Oh its just hair it will grow back", but I'm 31, married for 6 years, and want a family. I didn't ask for this. But God knew when I was born this would happen, and He will get me through. I've also had to pray about freezing my eggs, but God really let us know that's not the way to go,too expensive and not what He wants. So from a friend reminded me about a lady I met last year at relay for life and I talked to her, Chad and I decided to not freeze eggs and I would take a shot that would freeze my ovaries, like preserve them, then after chemo they will unfreeze and we can start trying to have a child. God is so amazing

  Iv'e learned so much as who I am, who I want to be, and who i'll become. Iv'e been in the valley as quick as the mountain top. It's strange, our life seems to be on hold as everyone goes on with their day. I'm used to doing so much and being around friends and now it's just Be still., and rest. I want to be molded more, and be more like His image and if that means Be Still and listen, then that's what I must do. Iv'e turned this into how God wants me to look at it, my leg is saved, no more cancer and in the chemo treatments there is a reason I will be there and I asked God already to show me, and guide me where and what He wants me to do. As a missionary i'm  not just in Eastern Ky, its every where God takes us . I want to be used in every where and for everyone to say " That's God"!

Thank you everyone, from our home church and cooked meals , Church families, our families, friends , staff members, and everyone all over who knows us and helps serve with Meridzo Center. We are truly blessed God chose us to be His servants and to allow Him to work in our lives.

Please know that this is hard on us, every prayer we feel, every letter in the mail, and every text we get is getting us through, We love company , God always knows when I need an uplifting or encouragement He puts me on their mind and they contact me, again God is so wonderful.  I will be blogging more maybe weekly in my treatments and how God worked that day. Through all of this , we have learned no matter what He is never leaving us, and He wants us to share it all. We aren't suppose to keep it in because if we do, how will people have the hope. In everything we give Him the Glory!

"Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Hebrews 11:1