Shower....Heartbroken...and Strings of Hair

You know some of those times when you just need to take a shower because it's been a bad day or you just want to dance and sing and no one hears you.....Well tonight was one of those nights but I didn't In tend for it to be.....

Tonight was a night I wanted to take a shower and shampoo my hair and just get ready for Sunday school tomorrow ...... But it didn't go that smooth. I started to shampoo my hair and I noticed some hair coming out, and I thought " no biggie , you loose so much a day it's fine ". But then I went to massage my scalp and all of a sudden strings of hair was coming out. Yes of course I started crying this uncontrollable cry and Chad came running in and all I could do was stare at the pieces of hair in my hands and cry. Chad grabbed my hand and held it and just told me it's going to be ok , and he got me calmed down. 

I'm sharing this with you because tonight July 26th 2014 my hair started to fall out. I thought I was safe on the first round of chemo, had it two weeks ago, not as sick but very weak and tired. And I know some of you will say " it's just hair, it will grow back " but I'm 32, I'm a wife, a daughter , a sister, and a friend to so many and I think we just hear cancer and we think oh they are ok. I'm going to live and yes I'm ok, but my heart break still matters . I don't believe in the  saying " it always could be worse" anymore. Because we shouldn't grade someone's heartache, Jesus doesn't. To Him it's all the same. My heartache in the shower tonight is the same for someone who had already lost their hair, or lost a family member. I feel like we have lost the compassion for everyone. We grade heartache just like we grade sin, and to Him it's all the same and he doesn't want us to hurt. Yes I know this is a season and oh my goodness, God has taught us so much through this. I would keep going through it just to see the people and us get closer to God. Now I'm not saying it's easy. We are human and I have a hearts desire, and I know that will come true one day. But I must take it one day at a time and know my God is getting Chad and I through it and even if I have a bad day it's ok, it doesn't mean my faith had lessened , I just need a good cry 

Thank you all for loving us and being here for us. We could t do it without prayer, God and family. 

With His strength I'll go forth, and be the bright shining light that He wants me to be!

Fighting with Faith.....

You know when you get ready to go through a tunnel,and the old saying is "hold your breath until you come out". Well you hold your breath and you cant wait to see the light knowing the end is almost there and you can let your breath out.....Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is always comforting


Sometimes in our life we don't always see the light at the end, we feel like we are stuck in the middle of that tunnel and can't get out .  But in the midst of being in the middle we have the hope that we will get out and be able to breath again. 

As everyone knows I was diagnosed February 17, 2014 with cancer. It was a huge shock to Chad and I, we just thought it was a cyst on my knee and since they couldn't drain it, they would remove it.  But God had other plans and it is a very rare sarcoma cancer. Last week seems like a huge blur, the doctor tried to do a biopsy in the room and it didn't work , so we had to go back the 20th and do an open biopsy. So we went back and a very dear friend and sister to me drove us so we could just relax , and they did the surgery, and he had to remove 80 % of the tumor because it started to grow out of my skin. They told me to come back Monday March 3 for the results. They said if its the sarcoma they think it is then it will be 3 months of chemo and 3 months resting then 6 months recovery, so they said give them a year and i'll be good as new.  

I'm still believing and praying the biopsy comes back and the doctors say "Wow we dont know how to explain this but its not cancer" and if God choose for it to still be cancer then there is a reason. Last Monday I asked the doctor what caused it, and he said bad luck. So I don't believe in bad luck .....I believe that God has allowed this to happen for a reason and everyone is going to see His hand and work in this, and He will get the glory. 

It has been a tough week and I have had some sad moments, but we can feel everyone's prayer and love, that's what is getting us through. We were able to go in for the weekend to see our parents and family, we both needed that as well as they did. God gave me the strength to have fun, laugh and even cry with our family. My knee is still sore, but as time goes it gets better. 

I cant ask God right now " Why  Me?" because Chad and I have already seen Him in our youth, family,friends and us. So I don't want to ask because we are all growing in Christ and becoming stronger . There are so many songs that are helping me and getting me through this. I am trusting and believing that what ever happens and what ever we go through God has us and He isn't letting us go. One song that says everything we are praying for is  'You Can Trust Our God', by love and the outcome. We can trust our God , He knows what He is doing, it might hurt now but we won't be ruined. I won't be ruined from this, Ill be stronger and ill be a different and better person from this . I'm already learning through this and knowing we have everyone's love, and prayers it just absolutely amazing . Words can never explain how much Chad and I are so grateful to have yall's love. Thank you for the women who have reached out to me that has gone through this or a family member that has gone through it. Your encouraging words are very uplifting and thank you for thinking of me.  

To end on a very happy note.....last night we picked up our kids for Aftershock and I walked into our room called The Well and all of our sweet kids made posters and hung up, and cut out different shapes with different encouraging sayings on them and hung them from the ceiling. They also printed out my motto: Fighting with Faith and put it on a huge cross that we have in our room, then the cherry on top of the ice cream one of our sweet youths, she did an interpretive dance to Casting Crown Who am I... Wow I am so loved, and very honored that God chose us to be their youth leaders and for me to be their big sister! 

Again everything that keeps coming up in devotions .. Songs...sermons and out of peoples mouth is Be Still and Know.... So that's what I am hanging on to and knowing in the end He wins and Ill be back to normal. Just what ever your going through I know it might hurt or seem so hard, or you think your in the middle of that tunnel but don't give up , He is pushing you through and know you will come out even stronger , and as Mandisa says "You will be an over comer"

Thank you again for praying, emails, love, text, phone calls and just thinking about us. Because when we are sad that's what uplifts us 

" Be strong and courageous . Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you" Deuteronomy 31:6

  

Just Float........

                                             

85 and Sunny.....feeling the warm sun on my face, toes in the sand, feeling the ocean waves trying to knock me down........JUST FLOAT

     Chad and I went on vacation to Panama City Beach Fl for our anniversary last week. His parents have a time share and let us go every year. Its a blessing because if we couldn't use it we wouldn't be able to go. 

  We left last Monday after our Fall Festival which was amazing!!! Having the fall festival before we went this year was the best way to do it, we had great weather and when we got to Fl we could just relax! Every time we go to the beach we think of it as our last because with us being faith based missionaries we are never guaranteed that we have the money to go. So we treasure every moment while we are there, from the ride down there, to going to walmart and buying groceries,to going down on the beach and putting our toes in the sand for the first time! Its a true blessing from God every time we go.   

  I get up almost every morning to watch the sunrise. We have Mts all around us and we don't get to see it, so I take it all in and know its a gift from God to be able to see it come up. Chad and I sit with blankets around us, because we are always on a high floor, this year we were on level 15 not as high as other times. The wind is always blowing and we cuddle up and and watch this amazing bright orange-yellow sun come up over the buildings. WOW, every time I see it, I'm always amazed. We of course eat breakfast,pack our lunch in a cooler,and head down to the beach. We have made friends with a lady that works for a beach chair rental, she is there every year and we love seeing her and talking about what happen in the last year. We enjoy seeing kids with their families there. This year I think every school has gone on fall break that week and it was pact, but still nice to enjoy the sun! I thought of our youth many of times while we were on the beach. Thinking of their senior year and we might all be on that beach laughing and making so many memories one day. I didn't think I could miss them that much, but they stole my heart,and I thought of them all every day!

  We ate some great sea food, most places had gluten free menu so I was able to have mahi mahi sandwich  and it was nice eating a bun again!! Chad and I just enjoyed laying on the beach and reading books and just being with each other. We don't get to spend a lot of Just Us time and it was really nice to have that gift. We would get in the water and it was amazing to feel the fish swimming around my feet and hearing the waves break on the shore. JUST FLOAT...wow if only we could do that every day when life gets crazy and we want to scream, we should remember to float! When I see the ocean, the sting rays, dolphin's and the sun set I always think of Chris Tomlin's song " Indescribable" God placed all the stars, the ocean , the waves, the grass, every part of it on this earth, and only He could do that!!! It amazes me when I look off our our balcony and see the mass ocean and sting rays floating. Its a huge blessing to be able to see that part of what God created."They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works" Psalms 145: 5

  We went to shell Island for our anniversary and had a great day picking shells, and Chad found 5 whole sand dollars! That is something we do when we go to the beach we love looking for sand dollars. We saw dolphins while we were on the boat going back , and watching the sun go down was priceless. To end the night our favorite place to eat on our anniversary was closed Sunday so we ate at a pizza place, had great gluten free pizza and gelato  for dessert....Yummo! Then we ate the last night at Capt Anderson s, had grilled grouper, steak and lobster tail! We look forward to that every year!

  We had a wonderful 6th year Anniversary! Our family and church family checked on us through out the week and our youth text us seeing when we were coming home!!! Its great to be loved and missed! Back in Benham Ky, left FL  80 degrees to 38 degrees, but its great to be home, see the Mts and see our sweet church family and youth! Thank you all for making it special , and for all the sweet wishes!!! God is so good!

"Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;let the sea resound, and all that is in it; Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them. Then allthe trees of the forest will sing for joy" Psalms 96:11-12

" WHY WHY WHY?" We always ask

REASONS......We don't understand them, and we always ask WHY when either we don't get our way or if bad things happen from God. BUT He always shows us in His timing why He allowed the things we don't understand to happen

Last May 2012, our pastor from our church we go to ask Chad if we would pray about taking over the youth ministry. Chad and I prayed for a month and seeking God, we had peace about it, even though we are really busy with church groups coming up and helping us in the summer at the Village.We knew this is what God wanted us to do.  We started the youth in July with 2 kids. It was interesting and our pastor Luke kept saying "Don't get discouraged it will take a while".Well the next few months it started to grow and Chad & I prayed on what bible study to start with and we started Experiencing God for youth. We are taking it slow because it still in depth and we want them to get it. So we do a day per week, and  we also have fun Wednesdays with them and play games. So as the months progress God is bringing new youth to our church. We had them pick a name , and they picked Aftershock with the scripture Acts 4:31. Through spring it was getting challenging because they mostly all play sports and they had practices on Wednesday nights, but God was showing us His plan.  We had VBS in July at our church and another missionary lived here for two years (she helped us with youth ) we co-teamed VBS together.We had new girls come through that, three of them are regularly coming on Wednesday nights, they go to their church on Sundays. So Aftershock is growing quick and hard to believe this fast. But when ever God is doing it its going to be like that!!!! We drive the church bus and pick up kids and take them home every Wednesday night and Sunday mornings,there were too many to keep squeezing in our car!! Plus that gives us more bonding time with them!  Carrie , missionary that helped with youth, moved back home in August her 2 year journey was up and she is now in New York doing Gods work there. So that left me to start teaching 7/8 grade girls Sunday school. Now here comes the REASON for it all.........

In January of this year one Sunday after church I felt like God saying you are taking over the girls Sunday school class. So for two hrs I went back and forth with God not wanting to because I love the Sunday school I was in, I was getting fed and I thought that is what " I" needed. Well of course God won that one, and I had peace that night when Carrie left  in August I would be their teacher. Well.... in my first blog I wrote about being sick and God healing me. Chad and I want to have children but we know I have to get healthy first. So there has been a lot of WHY'S in the past, but we know God is in control. I shared with Chad shortly afterwards that I will be the teacher for the girls and that this is all God,and of course he was excited. I've gotten very close to "my girls" and God is showing me why He called us to the church we go to and why Chad and I are youth leaders there........ They are our Kids!!!

Through prayer and devotions,I have realized the reason why it hasn't been the right timing to have children yet is because we are parents to our youth. If we had a baby right when all this started with our youth we wouldn't be as close to them, we wouldn't have this  relationship with them that we do. The girls come over to our house twice a month and we talk and do a bible study. We have parties at our house for them, I absolutely love them with my whole heart  . And when the time is right for us to have children our kids are going to still be our kids and we will have that time and bond still with them, plus have a lot of babysitters!!!!!!!  We just have a bond with them that's forever and if Chad and I didn't have that time to spend with them, it wouldn't be. Through going to their games, talking to them and just laughing with them has helped me so much this year. Our church family always say we are a blessing to them, but they are a blessing to us. There is something about youth that is amazing, our youth is, and no matter what happens that day or how I feel, when  I see them, my heart melts!! They are my world and I'm forever grateful to have them as my girls!!!!!

" Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" Galatians 6:9


REASONS....Now I know WHY.....He is teaching us and this is all for His Glory!